A Walk

I went for a walk this morning. A rather pathetic one as far as walks go.
But.
I went for a walk.

As opposed to giving up and throwing a pity party for myself instead.
Pushing through pain, be it physical or mental, is a bitch. Always and without exception.

As I walked along at a rather slow shuffle, gasping for air, I tried not to think that just a couple of years ago I was running. Really slow jogging actually, but still, I was jogging 5K and 10Ks. Jogging anywhere from 2-5 miles several times a week just for the fun of it. I had a rock hard runners ass. I miss that ass.

I like to think of myself as being a patient person. Even though I know that deep down I am not.
I tend to judge with my heart and my emotions, and then rethink my actions and decisions after the voice of reason has had a chance to step up to the plate.

My Riley

dog, now getting elderly, has trouble getting up and down the stairs. I am patient, encouraging, and kind. When he needs to get in the car for the vet or the groomers I gently hoist his 96 pound butt the rest of the way in. Telling him he is such a good boy when he shoots me a confused look of embarrassment. 

I coo to him in soft undertones of understanding as the two of us hobble our way oh so slowly and carefully down the stairs in the early morning. Both of us focusing on each and every step, trying not to think overly much on how badly we need to pee or that each step hurts.

Rock bottom. I've been here before, and it is a place I am oddly comfortable with. I have frequent flier miles for this destination even though I never plan to end up here. And yet, here I am again.
It takes patience to get out. Time and understanding. And more patience. I have learned the hard way that this is the only way out. And yet, there is this voice in my head asking over and over again
"WTF?"
"How did we end up here again?"
"Get me O-U-T."

One.
Day.
At.
A.
Time.

This week........20-30 minute walk every day. Even if I am slow as death.
Water. Drink it. All of it.

Because I know, even if I don't want to know, that this works. Start with the easiest thing that is just a little bit hard and keep doing it. Not so easy that it's boring, but not so hard that it seems impossible to follow through with. The real trick comes with the balancing on that razor thin line between I've got this and I give up.

For today at least, I've got this.
And once I have ticked off the boxes of minimum requirements, Riley Dog and I will find a spot in the sun for some reading and a quick snooze.